a few revelations-from then to now

I have been wanting to do a post on this for a while. (Before healing to after healing from the surgery) And went to start it and I came across this post I started to work on the week after surgery, when I was home healing. It is pretty intense and I am glad I had it saved on here so I could be reminded of the reality of where I was at and what I was dealing with.

Here it is:
so it is 8 days after the surgery and i have been home for..........5 days.
#1 waking up with pain medication worn off, 32 staples in your head from front center behind my hairline down to front of my ear-i can't get over that! and only being able to sleep in 2 positions when I am a 10 different positions a night person is unsettling at best.

#2 i have never felt so vulnerable in my life

#3 when comfort, the future you thought you could count on, your daily routine and things you do regularly are not so regular anymore you really are forced to reflect on 
all those things deep down inside that make you uncomfortable to think about, the things that kind of make you shake your head and close you eyes and do a jiggly dance to get the thought out of your head are pretty unavoidable unless you decide to sign-up for another mental life to escape reality.
questions like:
what is the meaning of life?
what gives me purpose?
where is hope?
where is future?
is this world it?
because if a house, a family, clothes, food, $ and the like are what I have all my chips in - man i am more fragile, vulnerable, flippant then i ever thought before.

It's like having to choose who to give your new born baby a ride in their car and your options are a 16 year old that just got their license and there own car or a 50 year old man with years of experience.  there is just a difference in their views, values, goals in life.
which one values life better?
which one values each moment and which one can't wait to get to the next moment?

That is all I had finished in that post. I remember I was pretty overwhelmed with what I was trying to communicate. I remember my head hurt every time I heard a loud noise (like a motorcycle), I would wake up with deep head pain and was thankful I was alive. The reality of how everything can be taken away to instantaneously was so real and annoyance with how for granted i had taken things and how many sweet moments I would so easily breeze thru or pass by instead of just sitting enjoying them. Here is a picture in the hospital and a picture I took with my phone for my mom like a week ago! (I know the one picture is kind of graphic- but it is just reality!) And look at where God has brought me:)

It is good for me to read that again and be reminded again. Maybe today I will choose to look at and enjoy seeing my daughters face when she is talking to me instead of looking at the thing I am doing while she is talking to me. Maybe today i will take in the moment when I hug my husband today and remember how blessed I am that I get to be here with him. 

I just have to Praise my Father in heaven for the indescribable faithfulness He had and has toward me, the indescribable beauty He brought into and from that difficult, painful, earth shaking experience. 
May we all be more thankful and less complaining, may we enjoy what we do have instead of never seeing those things because we are so focused on what we want!
"count your blessings, name them one by one"

To HIM be ALL the glory! Thank you sweet Jesus for all you have done! May it be forever etched on my heart and in my mind!

1 comment:

  1. I love you and your heart my beautiful Aiyana! It is amazing to hear what God has been showing you through all of this!