Part one- "The Journey Begins"

Where to begin? So much has happened in the last few months!!! We (as in my children and I) booked a national Walmart Commercial that got turned into 6 different spots, got paid an amazing amount for this/these commercials. So we decided to put our house up on the market. It has been almost 2 years of wanting to sell our house. We put it up on the market to no avail. I have been trying to be content and continue to seek and ask the Lord if He wants us to have another bedroom as our 3 children are currently all sharing a room. We have been in our sweet 2 bedroom home for almost 4 years now and it has been a place of wonderful memories we will have forever.....our first adventures in Chicago, our new friends that are now our dear friends, bbq's, prayer meetings, play dates and the great neighbors we have. So many good memories, but we are ready to make new ones in a place that we can have 3 teenagers!

After deciding to put the house up on the market (due to the random provision of money thru the commercial) and being in the process of getting some work done on the house before we put it up I went to the optometrist to possibly get glasses because the vision in my right eye was bothering me. Thus I found out I have a small benign tumor on the optic nerve of my right eye that is causing the vision in my right eye to go bad!

Those few weeks that all this happened was a season of high high's and low low's to be frank.

I started writing this blog entry a few weeks ago and couldn't get past that first paragraph because i was really not fully grasping or ok with all that was happening and I didn't know where i was going with the entry. Since then so much has happened in my heart. I am amazed by the things God has shown me and I have to share it.

I am going to put it up in parts since I discovered it was QUITE lengthy! 

I'll start at the beginning......
It's a monday and I am driving to pickup Lucy from her ballet class. As I am parking the car I get a phone call. It's my optomologist, he is gonna tell me the results of my MRI. He tells me I have a tumor behind my eye in the optic nerve that is effecting my vision. He tells me it is in the orbit (eye socket). It is a high percentage that it is meningioma, thus benign. I can't fully express how I felt in that moment. It was numbness, disbelief, like being hit by a semi that you didn't see coming. I didn't want to talk to anyone. After I hung up the phone. I sat there in silence for about 5 minutes. I have to go get my daughter from ballet class!!! What the heck do I do?? Tell her?? - no way- not ready-......I call Josh and say, "The Dr. just called me and told me I have a tumor behind my eye on the optic nerve, it's most probably benign." I couldn't say anything else. I had to go. I hung up the phone. I got out of the car and went to get Lucy. I looked at my daughter a totally different way. My precious baby! Oh what I have taken for granted EVERYDAY. Getting my girls from ballet, seeing them, holding them....I dont hold them enough or tell them I love them enough!! She runs over and starts skipping and chatting as she always does- totally aloof to the circus of emotion and thoughts running thru my head. I smile just hearing her little happy voice. I want to protect her from any fear or sadness that may come from the news.
"Just enjoy her Aiyana", i say to myself, no need to say anything.
I get home with Lucy and Josh has to head out the door to drop off Elly for ballet (Thank God we live so close to the ballet studio). He hugs and trys to console me, I start to tear up, then I freeze and tell him "Shhhh, I dont want the girls to hear! Just take Elly to ballet."
We got thru the rest of the day. After all the hussle is over and I have nothing to distract me from the reality of what I have to face, what my husband has to face, what my CHILDREN have to face!! My Children!!! Why would God do this to my kids??? I have a tumor?!?!? Am i gonna die?? Am I gonna go blind??? Am I gonna be able to see my sweet elly get married? Be there for Lucy when she is a mother for the first time with so many questions?? Kiss my little boys face? I don't think I could handle not being able to see my children's faces!!

I was longing and aching for something from God to hold on to!! Everything is falling apart...I need something to stand on! I went to read some scripture, I need some promise, some hope! I was supposed to read Hosea, but didn't feel right about that so I turned to Psalms. David has difficult times. Maybe there would be something there.  I went to Psalm 84 not knowing what it was about, but knew as soon as I saw it that that was the one.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
       O LORD Almighty!
 2 My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God.
 3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
       and the swallow a nest for herself,
       where she may have her young—
       a place near your altar,
       O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
       they are ever praising you.
 5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
       they make it a place of springs;
       the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 
 7 They go from strength to strength,
       till each appears before God in Zion.
 8 Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
       listen to me, O God of Jacob.
 9 Look upon our shield, [c] O God;
       look with favor on your anointed one.
 10 Better is one day in your courts
       than a thousand elsewhere;
       I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
       than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
 11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.
 12 O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

From it came a bit of fear of what He was calling me to, but also peace from the promises and beautiful things in it.

For example:  I looked up Valley of Baca and it means "Valley of Misery" (ok that is encouraging...NOT!!!) Did i just say NOT like I did when I was in Jr. High?!
Anyways, there is an example of a place that caused fear -"valley of baca". What misery is He calling me to?? But peace in it saying "they will make it a place of springs! This misery will be a place of refreshment, sustainance, strength and pleasure even for those who's strength is the LORD.

The whole Psalm starts out with sparrows finding their nest on His altar...sacrifice! But how lovely it is, it is a home, it is a home even for her young! 
God is calling me to lay it ALL at His feet. Surrender ALL! 
SO NOT READY FOR THAT. You would think as a pastors wife I would already be there...but I so was not!

Yet still the promises of:
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage

They go from strength to strength

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.
 O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

These were what I clung to amidst the fear of what was to come, didn't quite grasp them all with my whole heart yet, but knew it was truth:
-I have to put it ALL on the altar, but His altar is a safe place-lovely and a home, better to be in His house then any other place on earth.
-It will be a pilgrimage (a spiritual journey)
-I will go from strength to strength
-He will be my Shield
-He will not with hold ANY good thing
-Blessed am I if I put my trust in Him and find my strength in Him

This is the beginning of a long journey. A journey of high's and low's. I am gonna be totally honest. The sweet parts would not be as sweet if you didn't know how bitter the bitter times were. Part 2 coming soon!

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much! And I have total trust in the Lord that he isnt done with you yet:) I am praying for you and am so encouraged by this post! It shows how you are human and fearful, but that you are letting God be your comfort and strength and I know he will be faithful to be those things for you!