"POEMA" My Journey Part 4

About 2 weeks ago this is where we were at in the insurance, surgeon search, phone call circus. I had visited the neuro optic surgeon that was under my insurance to get her opinion on what to do next. She told me she couldn't do the surgery and very highly recommended a neurosurgeon at Rush, but my insurance only covered Loyola or UIC. So I called my PCP's (primary care physician) office to get a referral thinking that the neuro optic surgeons recommendation would have a effect on my insurance approving it. I also talked with her about the MAYO recommendation. She told me that she didn't see the need for that since we live in a city that has so much available. That was a bit of a relief, but also I was worried about the long road ahead of finding a surgeon that I felt was qualified that my insurance covered since I had to jump thru so many hoops already! As for the Rush referral, that was to no avail. But my PCP told me I should at least pay out of pocket to go to the Rush surgeon to get his opinion. She also gave me the name of a surgeon at UIC that was under my insurance, but he didn't specialize in what I needed. She said my only hope to get into Rush was to go see this UIC doctor and have him say he couldn't do it. So I scheduled appointments with both. 

I went to Rush first. He was amazing. Very confident and had just done a similar surgery on a 19 year old from Holland who's vision came back and was doing very well and getting ready to go home. He offered for his office to call the insurance and try to work something out. I was so jaded at this point I didn't get my hopes up. I had 2 or 3 others call about getting this Rush doctor approved on top of myself calling a few times. I also asked him about the surgeon at UIC. He said that that surgeon was very good, but he wasn't sure how experienced he was in what I needed and actually gave me the name of ANOTHER surgeon to go see. Meanwhile, I went to UIC. Josh and I actually really liked the UIC surgeon. He was fully confident he could do the surgery. My only hesitancy with him was the unsureness of everyone else in him! Now just to wait to hear what the insurance said about the Rush surgeon. 

Around this time I get a text from a friend telling me that a church here in the city wants to lay hands on me and pray for me. I was so moved that a group of people that don't even know me wanted to do this. I was there that following Sunday ready to be prayed for. Almost anticipating something to happen. They were so full of faith. I walked in and the Pastor's wife and I immediately connected. I felt like I knew her for years. She was so loving and kind. They had a guest speaker. R.T. Kendall, he spoke on forgiveness and the power of it- it was a rockin' sermon. the sermon

After service she and the elders came over to pray for me. They were expecting me to be healed. They prayed 4x's and after each time one of they would ask me how my eye felt......nothing happened. I was so moved and blessed by there love and care for me. They offered to come to my house and pray for me again later on. 

I went home encouraged AND discouraged. I was like, "Lord, you TOTALLY could have healed me right then, why didn't you??" You spoke to me about showing Your glory in our life. Jesus clearly asked you to glorify Him so that those around would see Your glory. What glory are you getting from my situation? I think that was a great opportunity to glorify Yourself if you ask me."

I was talking...wrestling with the Lord about these things. 

REWIND again!!! A week or so previous to this Josh had been teaching in Ephesians 2. He spoke of how Jesus came to save us because of His great love with which He loved us. And how we are to walk in the works He prepared for us beforehand. He had our days planned out.  Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." But what hit me so hard that morning was the part that says- I am His workmanship, Josh expounded on the meaning of that- I am His beautiful poema. He is specifically moving, molding, shaping, orchestrating something that is from HIS HEART. Something that is an expression of Him. Another word for Poema is MASTERPIECE. Each of us are something that He has put love, time and thought into. I wrote POEMA on my hand that morning. Labeling myself as His Poema. My life is a poem He is writing.

Fast forward...bzzzzzz (sound of a VHS fast forwarding- yes I AM an 80's child). I'm sitting at my desk wrestling with why the Lord didn't heal me. Josh texts me a Psalm he clearly thought was for me Psalm 54.

Psalm 54

¹ Save me, O God, by your name;
       vindicate me by your might.

 ² Hear my prayer, O God;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ³ Strangers are attacking me;
       ruthless men seek my life—
       men without regard for God.
       Selah

 ⁴ Surely God is my help;
       the Lord is the one who sustains me.

 ⁵

 ⁶ I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
       I will praise your name, O LORD,
       for it is good.

 ⁷ For he has delivered me from all my troubles,
       and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.

The part that stood out to me was:

"I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
       I will praise your name, O LORD,
       for it is good."

I knew I needed to be at the place of surrendering all to Him out of a freewill! To truly know and be able to say from my heart that He is GOOD! 

I wasn't quite there yet.

I prayed for no more fear but trust. No more anxiety but rest and peace. I still hadn't sat down and talked with Elly and Lucy about all of this. They of course knew. But I hadn't sat and told them how I was or asked to see how they were because I wasn't at the right place yet. I didn't not want to discourage them by my wavering and I also did not want to generically say the "right thing". I honestly didn't know what to say. I wanted to give them something to hold onto, hope, some sort of foundation when I talked with them. 

I decide to read......yes- JOB. Those last 4 chapters again. This time I see God coming to Job revealing His omnipotence, He tells of how He knows His creation intimately, created everything specifically. He stores the lightning, He put the limit on the waves, He cares for the place no man dwells, He is in charge of wild animals we can not tame and on and on. 

Job has 2 responses 2 different times:

Job 40:1-5

¹ The LORD said to Job:

 ² "Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
       Let him who accuses God answer him!"

 ³ Then Job answered the LORD :

 ⁴ "I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
       I put my hand over my mouth.

 ⁵ I spoke once, but I have no answer—
       twice, but I will say no more."

Job 42:1-6

"Then Job replied to the LORD :

 ² "I know that you can do all things;
       no plan of yours can be thwarted.

 ³ You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
       Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
       things too wonderful for me to know.

 ⁴ "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.'

 ⁵ My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 ⁶ Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes."

What do you say to that? All I could say was "I put my hand over my mouth, I speak of things I do not understand, of things to wonderful for me to comprehend, I repent in dust and ashes." 

Silent.

Then He told me. Aiyana "You are putting your hope in the outcome, in a promise from me to heal you or if not healing then what is gonna happen.....Aiyana, stop and put your hope in who I AM."

And regarding all the times I asked Him to heal and He didn't,  "I didn't heal you because my plan is bigger then that, That would be settling, you don't need to know the plan....I WILL be glorified."

My response, "As Job said, My ears have heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you, I cover my mouth, I repent in dust and ashes."

I can not save me

Man can not save me

My savior is the Lord, king over all that is proud

He give wisdom and understanding to the mind (Job 38:36) So any wisdom the doctors have (or lack there of) is from the Lord

After about 20 minutes of reading all that scripture and talking with God I could for the first time in this situation (if not possibly in my whole life with with THIS much depth) say- I am yours- do whatever you want to do- I trust you!! I am a free will offering! Glorify Yourself with my life! 

The freedom I felt was indescribable. Freer then I have ever felt. 

I wanted to share this goodness of God will everyone I could. What HE and HE ALONE had done in my heart was a miracle!

What can man do to me?!?

I could fully read Psalm 84 with no hesitation or fear.

 ¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
       O LORD Almighty!

 ² My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God.

 ³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
       and the swallow a nest for herself,
       where she may have her young—
       a place near your altar,
       O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

 ⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
       they are ever praising you.
       Selah

 ⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
       who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

 ⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
       they make it a place of springs; 
       the autumn rains also cover it with pools. ^[b]

 ⁷ They go from strength to strength,
       till each appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸ Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty;
       listen to me, O God of Jacob.
       Selah

 ⁹ Look upon our shield, ^[c] O God;
       look with favor on your anointed one.

 ¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
       than a thousand elsewhere;
       I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
       than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

 ¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows grace and glory;
       no good thing does he withhold 
       from those whose walk is blameless.

 ¹² O LORD Almighty,
       blessed is the man who trusts in you.

I am HIS workmanship....if that work He did in my heart just that morning (not to mention everything before and all that is to come) thru this situation is not a beautiful POEMA I don't know what is!!!!

I now felt fully confident and actually excited to sit down and talk with Elly and Lucy......